Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Trusting God In Change

"To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God moulds us according to God's love and not according to our fear. The spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, trusting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination, fantasy, or prediction. That, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control." Henri J. M. Nouwen

I love my ordered little corner of life and often wish I could just freeze time and just do that which makes my heart sing. My work as a church musician and music teacher follow a calendar and schedule that repeats year after year while the people in my life continually shift and change. I'd like to have more time to indulge myself in some fantastic music, or soak up some endorphins through a physical activity like gardening, or to express myself through art or writing. Such things are beautiful to me, rich in joy.

I began blogging several years ago after a missions trip and in it rediscovered a passion for writing that had all but disappeared over time. Whenever time permitted I'd pour over the experiences unfolding in my life and try to capture the thoughts and feelings they evoked in me-- words joining together to hopefully create something that might encourage or lift the spirit. I felt as if my word-well was full and I would be able to dip into it indefinitely, but another difficult season began, and I found my words drying up. It was time to learn, to listen, and to grow.

Today, I'm beginning another time of change. The past few months have been hard for my dear parents-- their health has been poor and it has become plain to me that I need to step in and help them. I resigned from my teaching job so that I can be more available to them, and even though I wrestled with letting go of a career, I was reminded that just as in every season that has come to pass, the Lord has been present in all of them. He moved before me and behind me in every step of every journey. Now, as I reflect on the grace of God in my life I find my fingers itching to put my thoughts into prose. What will God do? What have I to learn? One thing stands out in my mind beyond all others. That same God, who in Christ has made my broken, messy life rich and meaningful,spanning the chasms of hurt with forgiveness and oceans of pain with comfort, will also bring beauty and peace, faith and trust, mercy and grace into each day ahead.

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